After the birth of my 3rd child I suffered from post partum depression. His birth was a repeat cesarean and the memory of it just didn't sit right with me. In fact I hated it. Everything about his birth felt cold and detached. An amazing labor and delivery nurse wanted to put him on my chest for some skin to skin while I was being sewn up, but sadly it was the most awkward thing with him falling into my neck since my arms were still strapped down. After his birth there was a cascade of failures- my scar got infected, I went back to work too soon, we struggled at breastfeeding until giving up at 4 months, my house was a wreck, I didn't send my deployed husband holiday themed care packages like the other wives, my preteen and I fought daily, I didn't pay enough attention to my toddler- I really could go on forever. Eventually I started feeling a little better and became functional, but never really bounced back.
At about 18 months post partum we found out we were pregnant again. In doing research for a possible VBAC, I learned of everything I did wrong with my second child that set me on a path for an unnecessary cesarean birth. I did nothing to prepare for his birth, I already had a birthed a baby, so I never even thought to read a book about the birth let alone take a class. I had my membranes stripped at 37 weeks because an ultrasound showed him to already be over 8 pounds (he came out 6.15 by the way), my waters broke that night and I immediately went to the hospital, I was put on pictocin because I wasn't progressing fast enough and hooked up to every machine imaginable, epidural soon followed, decelerated heart rate for baby, and BOOM instant cesarean.
I was so angry with myself for not knowing any better and for not putting in any actual thought into the birth of my babies. I was so angry with myself for immediately turning down a midwife during my 3rd pregnancy who asked if I considered a VBAC. I was angry at myself for failing at breastfeeding. I was angry at myself for not knowing that it was okay to reach out for help when I needed it. Most of all I was angry for letting my family suffer for so long.
I was absolutely terrified that I would fail at motherhood yet again. I ended up on a blog/Facebook page called Birth Without Fear, one day I happened upon a status from BWF with the Maya Angelou quote that they often use, "When we know better, we do better". It hit me that I couldn't change the past. I couldn't bring back those magical first moments I longed for. All I could do was learn everything I could to do better this time. We bought books, watched birthing videos, read studies and blogs, even enrolled in birthing classes as 4th time parents! I was finally able to forgive myself and heal myself and in turn my family. I went into my 4th birth surrounded in peace that if I was to have another cesarean it would truly be needed this time. We ended up with a very successful VBA2C, are quickly approaching a year of successful breastfeeding, and are a much happier (and healthier) family overall.
Do I still get down on myself sometimes? Yes of course. I get fleeting thoughts of my son's eczema or Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) symptoms possibly being tied to his birth. Do I dwell on that? Absolutely not. I am at peace with all of my births and have used my past to fuel my doula passion. I work to empower women to research and make the best decisions for their families. I am organizing an Improving Birth rally in my town to educate local women on their birthing choices and in working with La Leche League to start a chapter here. I know better, therefore I now do better.
Thank you Maya Angelou. May you rest in peace and may your words keep inspiring generations to come. God bless you and your beautiful soul.
